Inversnecky

Club’s stadium, Donald Park, gives notice

Inverness Caledonian Tartan Heather Thistle, the city’s top football team – after Clachnacuddin and Inverness City - is looking for a new stadium, after it emerged this week that their current ground, Donald Park, is leaving.

Donald Park has been home to the SPL side for… ooh, ages now, and the loss of the Park will create a big challenge for the now homeless club.

A spokesman for ICTFCACDC told Inversnecky: “Having a Park is essential to a club’s ability to play football.  We could seek out another, but so many of the other stadium options, such as Ji-Sung Park, will be way out of our budget.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Inverness division of Highland Council said that they were now in talks with the club to find a new home.  “Options include the Northern Meeting Park, the Town House car park, and the Midmills building.  Hang on, sorry, wrong briefing note…”

A resolution to the situation is expected some time in 2025.

City’s language barrier to come tumbling down

Inversnecky is intrigued to report that a new Polish phrasebook is being published for the citizens of the Highland Capital, to allow them to communicate effectively with our brethren from across the North Sea who now account for 95.3% of all Invernessians.

The phrasebook is the result of a collaboration between the Inverness Polish Association, Highland Council’s Inverness Collective, and HIE Inverness & East Prussia.

Inversnecky has been given a sneak preview of the phrasebook, and is delighted to – for the first time – share some basic Polish phrases with its readers.

Dóbra kuszczak – good morning
Dóbrý dudek – good day
Dóbro boruc – good evening
Kmita zabierzów? – how are you?
Browar, żywiec – fine, thank you.
Podbeskidzie Bielsko-biała? – where is the nearest Polish delicatessen?

Try them out!  Greet your noisy-but-friendly Polish neighbours with a cheery “dóbrý dudek“, and help build bridges in this multinational city of ours.

End of the world nigh as transport shuts down in Inverness

Panic buying, rationing and martial law are widely expected this week after the city has been effectively shut off from the outside world due to cataclysmic breakdowns in transport infrastructure.

News that BMI is reducing its flights between Inverness and London cuts the last thread of hope for citizens of the Highland Capital, after engineering works this coming week closes the train line south to Perth. And getting around the city will be that much harder too, as the long-term closures of Church Street, Union Street and Queensgate commence.

Inverness Harbingers Of Doom – aka the Old Town Traders’ Association – condemned the situation, issuing a statement which described “the city on the brink of anarchy – nobody will be able to get into the centre to buy our second-rate products.”

A spokesman for HIE revealed that its economic forecasts unit calculates that Inverness will run out of key supplies in two weeks unless helicopters are comandeered to bring in bread, lager and tourists to keep the city going.

Readers of Inversnecky are urged to fear not, however – thanks to foresighted stockpiling of Ashers’ rolls in our underground bunker, we are in no danger of starvation and will continue to bring you the news until the city finally crumbles and our last breath departs us.

And it’s just as ugly as ever!

The highlight of the Highland 2007 programme (aside from the launch of Inversnecky, of course) has arrived, with the grand opening of the revamped, refurnished and reconstituted Eden Court Theatre.

After months of delays, closure, funding shortfalls, controversies and, no doubt, the occasional sex scandal or murder just to keep the Highland News interested, the highland’s largest arts venue is now open to the great unwashed public again.

With an extra theatre auditorium, a second cinema screen, and three bizarre chimneys that no-one really understands the purpose of, Eden Court’s greatest innovation is the radical idea of putting the main entrance… at the front. Celebrities across the whole of Inverness have also been involved, either by sponsoring lumps of concrete or getting dressing room wardrobes named after them.

A spokesman for Eden Court declared that the new improved capacity would allow for a greater cultural reach throughout the Highlands. “This has been many years in the making. Now, instead of formulaic, provincial, second rate theatre from a single venue, you can now get it in Gaelic and Polish at the same time.”