Inversnecky

Baggage mystery on maiden Southampton flight

Yet another first flop for the Highland Capital, as Flybe’s brand new link between Southampton and Inverness got off to a less than flying start last week - arriving with no luggage. 

A correspondent writes:

What a grand WELCOME to the Highlands (see all the posters in the Arrivals Lounge, in Gaelic as well) from the new FLYBE Southampton to Inverness service when the 60 seater touched down in Inverness last Sunday packed with Southerners full of plans for their break in the vast expanse of the unspoiled Highlands.

Ordnance maps were being studied in detail, Lochcarron, Skye and Attadale were on lips and it all came to a deathly halt when a chap in a flourescent jacket mounted the now un-revolving carousel to announce that there was no more luggage to be had and we should all go to the Service point to hear the worst.   No great deal for us being residents in the town city, after all it only took a day and a half for our bags to be delivered… Think of the others, poor souls away up yonder waiting for the gear…

Inversnecky understands that numerous men and women in Goretex, Barbour and green wellies were left with nothing to do all weekend without their skis, shotguns, fishing rods and local guidebooks, and were reduced to spending their whole time driving around the highlands in their hired 4×4s.

Our correspondent, who spoke on condition of anonymity (Inversnecky’s, that is), nevertheless explained that Flybe has found the route so successful it aims to introduce bigger planes.

Presumably, that is, so it can leave even more luggage behind.

A spokesman for Highlands and Islands and Dundee Airports stated that the general populace should be grateful the link is with Southampton and not Heathrow Terminal 5, otherwise we’d all be shafted.
 

Cops aim to discover why Inverness is so shit at the game

The Camanachd Association, shinty’s ruling body and one of 48,541 public or cultural bodies based in Inverness, has been the subject of a major police inquiry in recent weeks.

Scotching rumours that had been abound in the Highland Capital’s alternative press, a spokesman for Northern Constabulation explained the investigation exclusively to Inversnecky.

The spokesman denied that the probe was into allegations of fraud, corruption, mismanagement and misappropriation of funds.  Or indeed into why shinty players are so universally ugly.

“This is the Highland Capital, the fastest growing city in the known cosmos, and the cultural hub for all things Gaidhealtachd,” the spokesman explained.  “Why, then, does Inverness have such a crap shinty team?  This is a matter of the most serious nature, and our officers will leave no caman unturned.  Our particular focus will be on how the Camanachd Association can allow villages like Kingussie and Newtonmore to win everything despite having populations three times smaller than the required number for an actual shinty team.”

An old man on Church Street observed to us that “we can’t even beat Beauly or Glenurquhart.  What sort of capital are we?  Next thing, we’ll be losing our only Highland League football team…”

“About bloody time”, say commentators

Highlands and Islands Enterprise, Highland Council, Inverness College and UHI Millennium Falcon plus various others including Davy the Ghost and a dolphin from the Moray Firth, today announced the next stage in the long-awaited new university campus for Inverness.

News released today show that planning firms have been approached to draw up plans, and it is now confidently expected that the campus – due to be 150 miles east of Nairn – could be completed as early as the year 2075, around the same time that UHI is finally due to achieve University Title.

The newly-streamlined development agency declared the move the most important moment in the history of the Highlands since the Clearances, and a spokesman for UHI expressed his relief that “the biggest college in UHI will now no longer be a sixties concrete shithole on an industrial estate.  Maybe people will now actually want to come and study with us.”

Meanwhile, Highland Council denied rumours that arguments had already broken out about the use of Gaelic signage on the campus.

Inverness may have to move to make way for distributor completion

Plans produced by the Highland Council this week propose the relocation of the entire town city of Inverness to make way for the final stretch of the much-anticipated southern distributor route.

While those involved have been wrangling, debating and procrastinating about how to finish off the bypass without too much disruption in the bland, faceless, high-income suburbs of the Highland Capital, the council has taken a more dramatic view.

“We all accept that a lot of work needs doing in Inverness,” explained a council spokesman. “The distributor needs finishing, we need at least another ten Tesco supermarkets, the A9 and A96 need dualled, and much of the buildings around Inverness need doing up… or doing down. Surely it would be easier just to relocate the whole city?”

The work, which will take 150 years to complete, will see the completion of the distributor within nobody’s lifetime, and Inverness will be relocated to Fort William.