Inversnecky

Nope, we’ve never heard of it before, either

Invernessians greeted with bemusement the launch of the Inverness Summer Festival, a collection of re-branded events that were already going to happen anyway.

The festival boasts a number of rib-tingling attractions throughout the town city, including the Continental Market (which occasionally happens anyway), music and events on Falcon Square (which occasionally happen anyway), and an under-18s disco (which describes every club in Inverness every weekend anyway).

A spokesman for whichever the hell waste-of-public-money organisation is responsible for the Festival, spoke exclusively to Inversnecky (because nobody else wanted to talk to him).  “Why do anything new or innovative in Inverness?” asked the spokesman.

“It makes much more sense to look at what is scheduled to take place over the summer, add nothing substantive to it, gather it all under the umbrella of a new brand, and then finish up by telling nobody about it.  Then we can claim all the credit.  Hurrah!  It’s a valuable lesson we learned from the Highland 2007 people.”

To the best of Inversnecky’s knowledge, the long-term forecast for the summer, when these events are scheduled to take place, is rain.

Lots of it.

Forces of darkness renew assault on proposed supermarket site

The Holm area of Inverness is bracing itself for another threat from the very depths of Hades itself, as news reached the town city that The Evil Supermarket Company (Tesco) has lodged a second detailed planning bid for the same site from which it was repelled some months ago.

With Sainsbury going cool on the Highland Capital, and Asda finding it a hard road to opening its first store, it still remains no surprise that Tesco is back for another onslaught on the innocent citizens of Inverness.

This time, the mood on the street is subdued: “They tried once, they’ll probably succeed this time,” an old man walking his dog on Dores Road told Inversnecky.  “The people round here don’t know what to do except dig in, wait, hope and pray that the evil is averted.”

Inversnecky, among many, fears a fourth Tesco store in the town city, not least because this mighty news organ would have to change its name to Tescotownecky.

Not quite as snappy, we’re sure you’ll agree.

Coalition collapse removes risk of poor decision-making

The good denizens of Inverness were rejoicing over the weekend at the news that due to the collapse of the ruling SNP-Independent coalition, no decisions will be forthcoming from the council for the foreseeable future.

With the council poised to make a number of key decisions affecting the town city, the risk of unpopular and incompetent choices being made by the local authority has been removed.

A spokesman for Highland Council explained to Inversnecky that the coalition collapse, far from being a case of business as usual, is actually good news for Inverness.  “Councillors are due to vote in the near future on flood defences, the Inverness museum relocation, and various other key planning and development issues.  By now being unable to make any decisions, we are saved the risk of the River Ness being concreted over, the museum being relocated to the Janny’s Hoose, or any more ridiculous street art being funded.”

Several different spokesmen for the Independent group on the council were all available for comment, but entirely contradicted each others’ incoherent ramblings.

Store goes cold on Highland Capital after Nurn approval

Inhabitants of the fine town city of Inverness are left with the frightening prospect of having to visit Nurn in order to get Sainsbury’s food, after the approval of the store in Scotland’s fastest town led to signs that the chain is cooling on the idea of branching into the Highland Capital.

Rumours, legends and bar-room heresay that the posh supermarket was part of a plan for a Longman retail development were recently quashed by the company, saying that they’d only set up a second Highland shop if Invernessians begged on their knees and said “pretty please with sugar on”.

A spokesman taunted the town city by saying “Apparently, there are now up to thirty empty retail units in Inverness.  But that’s nowhere near enough for us to be greeted as saviours and demi-gods.  Only when that number goes up to fifty, and the Church Street Co-op goes belly up, will we consider moving to Inverness.  And you have to ask us really, really nicely.”

A statement issued by Marks and Spencer said simply “Phew.”

14.5 seconds on-field for ICT striker puts club on map

Denizens of the merry town city of Inverness are celebrating a historic football victory this week, after star striker Marius Niculae appeared on screen for a wee blip towards the end of one of Romania’s games at the European Championships being held in Austria and Switzerland.

The brief appearance by an (admittedly adopted) Invernessian at a big event has been greeted with jubilant scenes of partying and non-stop celebration throughout the highlands and particularly at Dores last weekend. [er... we might not have checked our facts here - Ed.]

Niculae’s short performance in which he did absolutely nothing also represents the greatest moment in the history of Inverness Caledonian Eighty Shilling Thistle, the town city’s top football club, an event which is likely to spawn even greater headlines than the legendary 3-1 defeat of John Barnes.

A spokesman for the club said “It’s great news that Marius got a run-out. We’re just all relieved he never got a whole game, because if more people become aware of his existence, he may leave the club for a better offer.”

Highland Council have announced they are going to commemorate the event with a fireworks display from the Kessock Bridge.

Summer now over; only 198 days til Christmas

Inverness has declared the summertime officially at an end today, with the last of the hungover and exhausted Rock Ness-goers drifting off on their packed Megabuses, and the scorching sunshine being replaced by familiar grey skies and showers.

Authorities across the town city are notifying hotels and B&Bs to move to off-season rates, and asking tourists if locals can please have their favourite pubs, restaurants, car parking spaces, and benches on the riverside, back.  The clocks are also understood to be switching back to GMT in the next fortnight.

A spokesman for Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board told Inversnecky, “It’s been a good season – full on two weeks’ sunshine, a good Rock Ness, but of course all good things come to an end… or in the Highland Capital’s case, all good things only barely get going after delays, spiralling costs and complete lack of ambition, before lack of uptake see them flounder and get abolished.  But hey, there’s always next year.”

Inversnecky’s top investigations team is now shifting its focus to whether or not there will be a Hogmanay street party in the town city.

Dull concrete eyesore becomes well-lit concrete eyesore

Fireworks, lighting and paint left over from the Highland 2007 final curtain has been thrown over the Ness Bridge in an attempt to detract peoples’ attention from the fact that it is an ugly lump of concrete.

The concrete structure has for over forty years carried Invernessians from west to east, played host to tourists trying in vain to get an attractive angle of the castle, and witnessed countless failed suicide attempts.

However, the Cooncil, in their wisdom, has decided that the monstrosity needs to be even more evident, by making it all multi-coloured at night.

A spokesman for Highland Council explained the “logic” of the decision: “Prague has its Charles Bridge, San Francisco has its Golden Gate Bridge, and Sydney has its harbour bridge. It’s about time we made the most of ours. Now, tourists will be able to see the Ness Bridge in a mix of grey and colours… like a pensioners’ party on acid.”

Nine out of ten tourists Inversnecky spoke to said “is that it?”.

Next month, £100,000 a minute will be spent illuminating the Tourist Information Centre so that people will actually know where it is.

Police, organisers and residents anticipate biggest event since… er… last year’s Rock Ness

It is just a couple of days to go until Rock Ness, widely believed to be the biggest music festival in the village of Dores, eight winding, twisty miles from Inverness.

With Northern Constableary issuing warnings about drugs and driving, locals fearing rats and mayhem, and revellers expecting a damn good time at the festival with the best view, Inversnecky is proud to bring you its predictions:

• Arrests! Police activity will be at record levels, with at least three councillors, two ICT players and one partridge in a pear tree arrested for illicitly dealing village parking permits.
• Kerching! The Dores Inn will make a killing.
• Kersplat! Who knows, maybe Rock Ness will have its first death this year… Police deny rumours of an attempt to assassinate Fat Boy Slim.
• Rain! And a shitload of it. It’s a music festival, after all.
• It’s alive! Nessie finally makes an appearance, and eats The Editors.

Inversnecky’s undercover reporter would bring live updates as the weekend happens, but probably won’t get any mobile signal.

Threats of riots after council decision… regardless of outcome

Highland Council is damned if it does and damned if it doesn’t this week, Inversnecky has learned, with the big Sainsbury’s vote facing the local authority tomorrow.

Councillors vote tomorrow on whether to allow upmarket foodstore Sainsbury to build a store in Nurn, but the word on the street is that chaos could ensue either way the vote goes.

Inversnecky understands from underground guerilla and resistance movements in the Highland Capital that if the vote goes in favour of there being a Sainsbury in the so-called Brighton of the North, then Invernessians are liable to rise up in arms, demanding one too as an alternative to Marks & Sparks and the Old Town Deli.

Should the vote go against the supermarket, it is believed that even more trouble could be afoot, with civil unrest in the town city spreading to the rest of the region, starved as it is of quality foods.

Such is the fear, trepidation and tension in Inverness, that the Northern Constabulation has imposed martial law and a curfew between now and twelve hours after the vote.

Inversnecky is sealing the bunker for the safety of our brave reporters, and may well venture out to see what ruins remain after tomorrow’s potentially apocalyptic decision…

No end in sight for Glebe Street stalemate

Inversnecky reluctantly reports that it has now been at least 65 million years since the closure of the Glebe Street swimming pool on the riverside, during which there has been about as much progress in finding a use for the site as attractive vistas on the Longman industrial estate.

However, news has reached the bunker that there are a number of new plans afoot to finally use the site for the common good.

Rumoured uses include:

1. Inverness Caledonian Thistle’s new stadium.
2. A luxury villa for Marius Niculae, to persuade him to stay at the Caley Jags after Euro 2008.
3. The new museum and art gallery.  Well, every unused patch of land (and some used) is being earmarked as a potential site, so this should be no exception.
4. A new inner city marina, presenting an advantage over the proposed one for North Kessock (namely that it is not North Kessock).
5. Drag strip for neds in souped-up Vauxhall Novas.
6. A safe house for teenage drinkers on the run from Northern Constabulary’s “Operation Round-up”.
7. Inversnecky’s new corporate headquarters.

We quite like the last option, we must admit.