Inversnecky

Four stores just the start, warns sinister supermarket

The Evil Supermarket Company (Tesco), fresh from their acquisition of a fourth store in the town city, have announced that they are to become the new manager of Inverness Caledonian Eighty Shilling Thistle Hotel, the fastest-growing football club in Inverness.

A nasty-looking spokesman explained the decision, while pulling the legs off insects.  “ICT need us – we’re the only organisation in the Highland Capital able to make clear decisions and get them through, and so we’ll be ideal at managing the team and getting us off the bottom of the table.  And there’ll be more opportunities for Tesco advertising at the stadium, too.

The spokesman also told Inversnecky that this acquisition is just the start of their total takeover of Inverness, with plans to take over MFR and replace it Tesco Firth Radio, buying the Caledonian Canal and calling it the Tesco Caledonian Canal, and a fifth store to be set up at Inverness Castle once the sheriff court moves out.

The company could not confirm rumours that the ICA, Inverness’s top magazine, would soon be renamed the Inverness Tesco Advertiser.

Inversnecky can assure both its readers, however, that it remains uncorruptible.

Mostly.

Strange lights spotted over Kessock Bridge and Longman

The recent wave of UFO sightings across the Inverness area has claimed its first casualties, with the instant departure of the management team from Inverness Caledonian Thistle Kilts Shortbread Football Club.

Although fans had been upset at the recent string of poor results emanating from the Longman Industrial Estate’s leading football outfit, directors have insisted that it’s down to little green men on a bodysnatching spree.

“Well, people have seen strange orange lights over North Kessock, so we’ve been in the firing line that’s for sure.  Alien abduction is the only explanation,” explained the club’s spokesman.

The search now begins for a new manager to help the club escape relegation.  Harry Houdini could not be contacted by Inversnecky this morning to discuss his availability, however.

The club’s spokesman also strenuously denied that the departure were due to the club office having been recently visited by an aggressive man who demanded to know “if Shipman works here.”

New town development says “up yours” to credit crunch

Planning permission for the new village town at Tornagrain has just been submitted to Highland Council, Inversnecky understands, heralding a refreshing blow to the face of pessimism in the face of the global credit crunch.

The development would see thousands of homes being constructed at the site, near Dalcross Invernational Airport, just at the time when the construction industry is collapsing like a house of cards.

A spokesman for whoever the heck is behind all this said “This is the shot in the arm the Inverness area needs.  Rumour has it with the crunch we are no longer the fastest growing city in the history of the universe, so we need to do something about that decline.  Plus, with our development being based on the principles of sustainable, attractive living, it’ll show up Inverness’s suburbs for the characterless wastelands we all know them to be.”

Inversnecky can deny that it already has its eye on a major retail spot at Tornagrain.

Inverness holds its bad breath pending dental funding announcement

Citizens of the Highland Capital dropped everything today amid rumours of a forthcoming announcement from NHS Highland about new dental care facilities for Inverness.

The town city has been without NHS dentists ever since the Battle of Culloden in 1066, and the most common cause of death among Invernessians is gum disease (followed closely by frostbite, boredom and cultural starvation).

However, word that the Scottish Government is shortly to release money for new dentists in Inverness has led to near hysteria as toothless residents drop everything to await the announcement.

NHS Highland has remained tight-lipped (so to speak) about the forthcoming news, and therefore with no hard facts many residents have taken to camping outside the organisation’s headquarters to be first in line.

Rumours that the now empty Woolies’ store was going to be commandeered by a new dental practice has led to queues, a growing refugee camp and several fights on the High Street.

Meanwhile, Highland Council announced plans to negotiate with the Scottish Government to exchange each prospective new dentist for one hundred metres of completed by-pass.

Squad strenghtened by influx of fresh blood on free transfers

Two birds were run over with one tractor this week following the sad closure of pic’n'mix chain Woolworth’s, as the store’s newly-redundant staff were snapped up by Inverness Calorgas Thimble, the Longman Industrial Estate’s top football team.

The move solves two problems – the lengthening of Inverness’s dole queue and the decline in ICT’s performance.

“We’ve been looking to fill a few gaps in the squad during the transfer window,” explained a spokesman for the club, “and of course there are not many talented footballers willing to take our wages, let alone the long move up to the Highlands.  It’s cheaper, therefore, to train the Woolie’s staff to play football.”

Intensive football camps have now been established for the new recruits, and the club has revealed that some may be making appearances at their next match.  Sources say that the new players have settled in admirably, well used as they are to working within struggling, bargain-basement organisations.

Inverness has first big Hogmanay bash since the millennium

2001 chic is all the rage in the Highland Capital this last week or so, with the town city throwing the first major New Year’s Eve street party since the turn of the millennium.

With nine years since the 2000 celebrations, time relly does pass slowly in Inverness.  A spokesman for Highland Council explained the thinking: “Inverness has been growing and developing a little too quickly for many dewy-eyed elderly people not to mention tourists.  Therefore we decided to only have one new year every nine, so before long we’ll be decades behind the rest of the country’s fashions, trends and news again.  If anyone has any suggestions about how the next new year’s party could work, then please send us a telegram.”

Inversnecky looks forward to seeing in 2010 with some more bands in a car park – it’s in the diary for December 31st, 2018…