Inversnecky

The Evil Supermarket Company to investigate another evil supermarket company

Citizens of Inverness reacted with a resigned “for fuck’s sake” this week to the news that the public enquiry into whether or not Tesco should take over the world is to be chaired by Tesco itself.

Announcing that nobody knew Inverness from all angles better than The Evil Supermarket Company, Highland Council expressed enthusiasm that the conveners of the public enquiry would really get to the bottom of the issue in an impartial and thorough way.

A spokesman said “Whether or not we have an Asda is the biggest issue to face the town city since… well, ever.  And Tesco know all about the retail trade in the Highland Capital, so we thought they’d be ideal.”

Sources have informed Inversnecky, however, that anyone considering presenting evidence to the public enquiry in favour of Asda should check under their cars, regularly change their commute, and avoid tap water between now and then.

Arguments about statues location leads to snow replicas

The recent debate about the location of the Three Graces, Inverness’s most famous statues since… well, ever, has been resolved thanks to the arrival of a hole heap of snow (where the hell did that come from?).

Councillors and other members of the community in the Highland Capital disappointed at their location next to the dolphins outside Ness Bank Church have said “yah boo sucks to you” and simply built snow statues of their own choosing, in locations of their own choosing.

One councillor was reported this morning to be building a beautiful replica of the Three Graces at his preferred location in front of the castle, while other dedicated Invernessians wrapped up warm to build their own interpretations of statues at the UHI head offices and on the riverside.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Highland Council confirmed that snow replicas of the vandalised decorations on the Ness Islands were being crafted by snow technicians and would be on display soon.  A spokesman for the council urged citizens to bunk off work for the day and build their own “Snow Graces” in their gardens.

Inversnecky can also report a group of cultural vigilantes attempting to build a replica of the Empire Theatre on Academy Street, entirely out of snow, in place of the concrete monstrocity it was replaced by.

Tulloch Homes, however, could not be contacted about rumours of an attempt to build a lifesize Snow Arc near Culloden…

This week a point against Celtic; next week the world

An inspired performance by Inverness Caledonian MacBrayne FC on Sunday against SPL leaders Celtic has been attributed to the club’s outstanding new manager Terry Butcher.

With thousands of blood-stained fans appearing to cheer on the wonderful new gaffer, the miraculous happened at the unThistle Stadium on Sunday as the highlanders held Celtic to a 0-0 draw and ended a run of ninety-seven consecutive hammerings.

The draw was hailed a miracle by Invernessians, and life-saving Butcher held up as a modern-day saint.  It is now believed that the new manager is being roped into the battle against Tesco, while Highland Council have confirmed they have approached the inspirational figure about leading the town city’s Homecoming activities.

Meanwhile, local MSPs have also revealed that Butcher is to head up the campaigns for a completed southern distributor, and has been put in charge of the river Ness flood defences and Loch Ness World Heritage bid.

A spokesman for the football club, however, denied that Butcher had been asked to get involved in speeding up the Streetscaping projects.  “Don’t be daft,” the spokesman told Inversnecky, “some things are just beyond realistic.”

Inverness escapes UK snow terror

While most of the rest of the United Kingdom collapses into panic, despair and infrastructure chaos at the coming of a light dusting of snow, Inverness has been enjoying relatively balmy weather.

With grey skies, single figure temperatures above zero and moderate winds, it’s practically a heatwave compared to the breakdown of society caused by the weather further south.

VisitScotland’s highlands operations are due to market the town city as a winter getaway destination, at least for those who are able to get to an functioning airport or railway station, proposals have been put forward for a return of the fake beach on Falcon Square, and shops have reported a 3,000% increase in sales of ice cream.

A spokesman for Highland Council, bedecked in a Hawaiian shirt and surfer shorts, declared “Man, it’s hot, right enough.  I do hope people will consider coming up to the sweltering north for a wee break, to get away from the snow.”

Inversnecky will continue to bring you the latest news of the heatwave from our bunker, where the aircon is on full blast.