Inversnecky

Charles Kennedy now no longer the only famous Invernessian

News that a young woman from Inverness has been unveiled as the new assistant in the BBC drama Dr Who has led to much sighing of relief among town city leaders this week, due to the fact that up until now, Charles Kennedy was the most famous Invernessian.

With Karen Gillan shortly to commence work as the time-travelling Time Lord’s sidekick, people across the world will now be paying attention to the Highland Capital as somewhere that is famous for folk other than has-been politicians and ICT footballers.

“We’re delighted for Karen, and frankly ourselves,” said a spokesman for Highland Council.  “Now we can be proud of more than just Charlie Kennedy as a son or daughter of Inverness.  Who knows, if the ratings are good in the new series we might even replace Flora MacDonald’s statue in front of the castle with one of Karen.”

A spokesman for the Inverness tourist authorities, meanwhile, said, “Thank fuck for that.  At the moment, your top names to put Inverness on the map are the one-man band on the High Street, Tich McCooey, and an ousted former party leader.  With any luck, we’ll have Dr Who fans dressed as cybermen heading for the highlands in their droves to check out where she lived.”

Meanwhile the Time Lord himself could not be contacted despite our best efforts.

City status revoked after slump in performances

After an underwhelming few months for Inverness, the Highland Capital’s city status has been revoked.

Following Icy Tea’s relegation from the top flight of Scottish football, the endless streetscaping and the failure of major developments such as the distributor completion, national authorities have removed the status of “city” from Inverness, reverting it to being a town.

A cloud of despair descended upon the town city town after Saturday’s final showdown, and the move comes in the light of the continuing decline of what has now become just the Capital of the Eastern Highlands.

The exodus of most of our Eastern European migrant workers, the continuing poor development of the economy, closure of numerous businesses and the complete inability to buy a coffee after 6pm has been now added to the fact that Inverness is no longer an SPL town.

Citizens are now called to assemble outside the Town House this Saturday at noon in order to witness the building being replaced by a portakabin.

The only silver lining to the situation is that now that Caledonian 80 Shilling Thistle are in the first division, Invernessians can now look forward to easy trips to Dingwall for the Highland derby…

Refurbishments to attract renewed interest from petty criminals

Highland Council this week announced a plan to provide two and a half million pounds-worth of vandalism opportunities in Inverness’s major parks.

The plans, which include refurbishments, new facilities and quainter lighting, will see just a few days of improvements in key town city locations such as the Ness Islands and Whin Park before mindless criminals are allowed to move in and destroy or steal it.

A spokesman for the council said “In the long run, it should actually cut down on crime in the area – just imagine if a bunch of louts getting drunk on the Ness Islands, or a guy wandering across the Bught Park looking for mushrooms, could be distracted from their activities by a new bench to set fire to, or some new decoration to rip down.  Anything that keeps people from drink or drugs has to be a good thing.”

VisitScotland has even announced figures which predict an increase in vandals visiting the area over the tourist season, as a result of the improved opportunities.

Threat of bilingual signs in hospitals puts Inverness on alert

Rumours that NHS Highland is receiving money from Bord Na Gaidhlig to develop its Gaelic plan by introducing bilingual signage has led to mass panic among patients, the community and those involved in the healthcare sphere, after fears that the medical system could haemorrhage as a result of diverted funds.

The risk, according to many, is that Gaelic might spread from person to person after having appeared in a few isolated cases, and before you all know it, we’re all sozzled with whisky and registering ourselves for the Mod, and doctors are left with no money for equipment or medicines.  Fears have been expressed that dozens could die, or – even worse – begin to develop working understandings of the dative case and slenderisation.

Raigmore Hospital, Inverness’s biggest hospital, is believed to be under particular threat by the outbreak of bilingualism.  A town city emergency plan is being developed by key agencies, while a number of councillors are demanding assurances that authorities are fully prepared.  NHS24 has already reported a huge increase in calls from the Highland Capital from concerned residents seeking advice on what to do if friends, colleagues or family members begin to show symptoms of speaking Gaelic.

A spokesman for NHS Highland assured Inversnecky that the situation was in hand.  “We are aware of some people’s concerns about the threat Gaelic poses to their sense of wellbeing, however we are very much on top of the situation.  Contingency plans are in place to contain Gaelic within certain uses around health service facilities, and we will do everything we can to ensure that the language does not take up our entire healthcare budget.  Frontline services will remain unaffected.”

One old man we spoke to on Church Street remained concerned, however.  “What happens if I call up NHS24 and they can’t understand English?  How will I be able to read the opening hours signs on my local surgery if it’s all in Gaelic?  It’s terrible, and people will start dying before we know it.”