Inversnecky

…but exotic visitors to Highland Games are not what they seem

Inversnecky’s mole at Highland Council reports:

Hotels in Inverness are reporting that irate stag weekend organisers are threatening to turn the Highland Capital into a ghost town during next month’s Inverness Highland Games.

Approximately 65,000 beds are now available at reduced rates following widespread cancellations in the last 24 hours.  This follows the announcement by the Highland Council that their much heralded Highland Games Weekend Basque Spectacular had absolutely nothing to do with women’s sexy lingerie, and instead will feature men with funny hats dressed as sheep speaking a language more obscure than Gaelic.

A Council spokesperson said “We deeply regret any inconvenience caused to the large numbers of young men who were planning to head to Bught Park dressed as Nuns, Drag Queens, Schoolgirls, Prostitutes, Nurses, Police Women and Susan Boyles.”

The Police have set up roadblocks all around Inverness with the exception of the area around Kessock Bridge (which is always blocked anyway) but as a precaution they have asked the Council to consider cancelling any events unfortunate enough to have a name which could attract another wave of sick individuals to Inverness.

No information is available as to which events are under threat but Council staff have been reported frantically searching Google in an attempt to discover if the Kirking of the Council is likely to lead to an influx of men dressed as Klingons in September.

Good weather, dope smells, and dirty Glaswegians all leave area after festival

Organisers of Dores’ biggest music festival have hailed last weekend’s RockNess a huge success, although reports have arisen stating that the smell of cannabis has only now wafted away from the railway station, and commuters in the Highland Capital are slowly coming back down to earth.

“Honestly, you couldn’t move around the station last weekend,” reported one member of station staff. “Not just due to the crowds of mucky, under-dressed teenagers from arse ends of Glasgow; but also you just, like, couldn’t be bothered, man! Life’s too short for anything except eating quavers and pies at 3am. However, the air’s cleared up and we all feel a lot better now.”

With the festival bringing the usual complaints from south Loch Ness locals, drugs arrests, and the obligatory death, life in the town city can now go back to normal. Until Belladrum, of course, which will mean the area preparing for the inevitable deluge of rain…

Inverness City passed from pillar to stump

Inverness City Football Club, it seems, has no friends these days, as the Highland Council desperately tries to find somewhere for the town city’s third-largest football club to play their games next season.

With Inverness Camanachd opposing the club playing at Bught Park, the home of shinty, and Inverness Cricket Club refusing to share at the Northern Meeting Park, solutions for the emerging new club are few and far between.

Inversnecky can, however, suggest that two further locations should be explored – a set of housing and a nursing home in Kingsmills, and a section of the retail park off Telford Street – both of which could razed and turned into football stadia….

…or would that just be a bit too outrageous?