Inversnecky

Struggles for ICT and Clach – what next?

Inversnecky notes with sadness the problems facing Inverness’s footballing giants this past week or so.

SPL First Division club Inverness Caledonian Thistle, the town city’s most controversial merger after the creation of Highland Council, recently struggled to beat lowly Montrose in the first round of the Alba Challenge Cup (a competition they forgot they were going to have to compete in); while Highland League side Clachnacuddin, steeped in debt, recently lost out on two potential investors.

With dark times ahead for football in the Highland Capital, reflecting the sombre mood of the national game, it could be down to junior side Inverness City to lift the spirits of Invernessians this season – if they can find a pitch to play on.

Rumours abound, however, that all three clubs are due to resign from their respective leagues and set up the Inverness Premier League (IPL), playing each other about ninety times a season.  An inside source told us: “Basically, it’s going to save us heaps on travelling, we can all groundshare, and once again Inverness will have three clubs to be proud of.”

A spokesman for Ross County denied they were involved in secret talks to be part of the project, saying the travel costs would be prohibitive for the Dingwall club.”

Forces of evil suffer blow after government decision

Inverness is rejoicing today with street parties, bunting and uncharacteristic glee today, following the news that the town city is finally going to get an Asda store.

With a new supermarket in town, the first serious threat to The Evil Supermarket Company (Tesco) has appeared since the opening of the second Safeways.  Following a public enquiry’s recommendation that Tesco shouldn’t get away with every single retail penny in the Highland Capital, ministers have endorsed the outcome and given the liberating forces of Asda the go-ahead to take on the three-store strong forces of darkness.

Several zombified customers outside Tesco stores across Inverness told our reporters that they’d still shop at Tesco anyway, because the chain now had direct control of their oxygen supplies.

Inverness Highland Games to have extra attractions

It’s just a day or so until the town city’s Highland Games kick off, amidst paranoia and fear sweeping Inverness now that swine flu has paid a deathly visit.

The games have been dogged by controversy this week, with debate about whether the traditional games or new attractions should take centre stage, but at this rate experts believe that nobody will turn up for fear of getting swine flu.

Rumours that swine flu was being billed as an attraction, allowing Invernessians to build up resistance to the disease by interacting at close quarters with fellow citizens, have been denied by organisers.

Invernessians dig in for a dull, endless debate about UHI flagship

Yet another protracted debate about planning and development in Inverness kicked off this week, with news that Inverness College is considering two options for its future estate; flying in the face of HIE, UHI, Highland Council, the people of Inverness and the Pop Idol judges who all believe that it’s Beechwood all the way, baby.

Local plans, glossy brochures and research strategies have begun development on the assumption that the college will relocate to Beechwood, as part of a showcase campus for the one-day University of the Highlands and Islands.  However, news has now emerged that high heidyins at the college are also contemplating staying in the concrete shithole it currently occupies on the Longman Industrial Estate.

“It comes down to a matter of culture and class,” Inversnecky’s insider mole explained, on guarantee of anonymity (ours, not theirs).  “On the one hand, Longman supporters in the college think that your average plumbing student will never go to the edge of town to study, while Beechwood advocates at UHI claim that wealthy, clean-cut undergrads from England would never contemplate studying on an industrial estate.”

Inversnecky fears a repeat of the yawn-worthy, never-ending sagas of the future of the sheriff courts, the location of the new museum, the streetscaping, and the dualling of the A9.

Could the town city be locked in yet another never-ending conflict, this time between Beechwoodites and Longmanites, in a battle that simply cannot be won?

To find out, stay tuned… for a very, very, very long time…

Budget blown on paving slabs

Highland Council has this week revealed that there are doubts over the future of the plans to create a new museum and art gallery for Inverness, as officials admitted they’d blown their entire year’s funds on paving slabs for the Old Town.

Despite being on the cards for years, and with feasibility studies and “get the courts out of the castle” campaigns, it seems the forthcoming replacement to the ugly concrete excuse of a museum next to the Town House has been ditched.

The change came as council officials admitted that after having inspected the coffers, they’d realised they’d blown the whole budget for the past few years on the Streetscaping project.

A council spokesman said “No worries though – at least the streetscaping can finish, and all those businesses who went bust can open up again.”

The spokesman could not comment on rumours that a construction worker involved in all the streetscaping work had just discovered he’d lost his wallet, but couldn’t remember which site it was dropped on…