Scottish Government announce faster routes to central belt
Bad news emerged this week for loud, cackling groups of middle-aged women and slightly creepy stale-smelling single men, as news emerged of plans to shorten journey times by rail between Inverness and the central belt and thus reduce the time available to consume alcohol at impossibly early hours of the morning.
In answer to a parliamentary question by Highland MSP David Stewart, the Scottish Government has revealed figures that show that 23% of binge-drinking in the Highlands occurs on pre-lunchtime trains en route to Glasgow and Edinburgh, and has therefore committed to reducing travel times in order to combat the problem.
A spokesman for the Scottish Government explained the rationale: “Imagine you’re on the ridiculously early train in the morning from Inverness and all you want to do is sleep, yet across the aisle is a bunch of women on a hen do or a girls’ shopping weekend away in the capital, and they’re downing red wine before their toothpaste is even dry; or there’s an unshaven mess of a man tucking into a six-pack of Export before the sun’s even risen. This sort of antisocial behaviour must be stopped to save Scotland from a drink-fuelled decline. The only way to do this, then, is to cut rail times.”
Inversnecky understands that a manufacturing consortium representing the majority of sales of cheap sparkling wine and Dutch lager is lobbying behind the scenes to ensure that High-Speed Rail never reaches the Highlands, in order to protect their vital market share.
A spokesman for ScotRail assured us that a statement would be with us soon and apologised for the delay, which was caused by waiting for an incoming statement to pass by.
