Victorian Market to be given new purpose

Highland Council has celebrated offloading its crumbling leisure facilities to the Highland 2007 Legacy Company and saving £32 a year by announcing that the entire Victorian Market is to be turned into an outdoor swimming pool.

A Council spokeswomen said “Now that we don’t have to worry about all the shitty buildings that we should have repaired years ago, our highly paid team of managers have focused their attention towards the number one problem facing the Highland Capital; namely the creation of an iconic attraction that will divert the attention of our community away from the things we don’t want them to think about.

Clearly the removal of the roof above the Victorian Market and the launch of “FLOODWORLD” may be slightly upsetting for those families who think they might have elderly relatives still trapped in storm drains, but we would ask them to step back, minding the puddles as they go for health and safety reasons, and try to imagine the bigger picture. We need to find something for these managers to do all day.

While the creation of an underwater shopping experience may not seem like the best way to prevent the Victorian Market Traders from going bankrupt before Christmas to people; you only had to see the vibrancy of the Shortbread Tent by the VIP tent at the Barclays Scottish Golf Open Golf Tournament to realise the difference that a good Highland downpour lasting nineteen weeks can make to a shopping experience. We know that the people from Barclays were very impressed at the time; although to be fair their entire Senior Management Team hadn’t started developing Trench Foot infections at that point; and we haven’t been able to get an official comment from them for our 24 Hour Twitter Team. They haven’t been returning our calls you know.”

In unrelated news, the Board of the Highland 2007 Legacy Company have written to Inverness Town City Committee asking to have an urgent meeting with them regarding the submission of the biggest funding application the Inverness Common Good Fund has ever seen on October 8th. A Highland 2007 Legacy Company spokeswoman said ” Yes we know it will have only been 8 days but it is not our fault. They didn’t have a bloody meeting before then.”