December 23, 2009
Season’s greetings from Inversnecky!
After a year of bringing you the news with both barrels, Inversnecky would like to thank all both its readers and its legion contributors for all their love, care, attention and comments.
Due to the snow, we’re stuck in our bunker and are unable to get out until some time in the new year. In the meantime, have a good Christmas – or in Polish, dóbrý michalkula!
December 3, 2009
Appearance in front of other old people at stadium on the cards
An old man is due to visit Inverness in July 2010, it has been announced. The old man, who has been old for some time since being famous for something or other, is due to visit the Highland Capital and appear at the Caledonian Stadium.
At the stadium, Inversnecky believes, the old man is likely to attempt to stand up in front of lots of other old people, the only folk left to remember what he was famous for. Rumour has it the old man may attempt to sing if he has the energy.
A spokesman for the event said that old people planning on attending should wrap up warm, turn up their hearing aids, and bring a flask, as the Moray Firth can be a bit nippy at the height of summer.
December 2, 2009
Delight for council members
Senior quango and local authority officials in the Highlands are celebrating today following the announcement that weekly flights are being introduced from Dalcross Invernational to Zurich to enable them to visit their fortunes in their Swiss bank accounts.
The opening of the new route, which is allegedly sponsored by Zurich Municipal – who have the Council’s multi-million pound contract to ensure that nobody receives a penny for any harm caused by anything they do – is bad news for banks located in Inverness High Street who were hoping that the public sector millionaires would grow tired of driving down the A9 to Edinburgh in order to catch a connecting flight every time they needed to go to Tesco and do the weekly shop.
VisitScotlandForFeksSake have declared that the new flights will lead to a boom in Swiss tourism and have urged all B&B owners to sign up for their Spectrum Centre Yodelling Classes in order to ensure that they remain competitive,
A spokesman for the Armed Services Recruiting Office in Inverness told Inversnecky that the news had resulted in numerous applications to join the Swiss Guard, until the members of the Portland Club had discovered that this involved dressing up as Village People and protecting the Pope.
December 1, 2009
Flagship event puts Highlands on map
Delight has erupted across the Highlands following the news that the region’s very own Nobody Came Home Festival has surged past of the entire Homecoming Scotland Festival in this year’s economic impact bullshit league table.
Despite having less events and lasting around around 44 weeks less that the Central Belt based Festival of which it was part, Consultancy Firm U2 Hampton has announced that the Eden Court black grass garden-based Festival was worth an estimated £900 million more than the Eventful Scotland initiative which was brilliantly timed to coincide with the fall of sterling against the euro organised by by the SNP.
Locally, the Culloden Cottage Hotel alone is claiming to have see a massive boost in its takings from tourists who came to Inverness 6 months before the conference in order to see where it was taking place. HIE have also announced that no fewer that 2007 businesses are thinking of relocating to the Highlands, Gaelic speaking has surged from 5% of the population to 99.9% of the population and that the legacy of the Kessock Bridge Fireworks could be seen in all its glory last Thursday when a dramatic increase in the stars in the sky above the Black Isle marked the arrival of God’s response to the beauty of the 12 minutes of top quality hype that will never be forgotten.
A Homecoming Scotland Spokeswomen said: “We should like to congratulate the entire Inverness Team on their brilliant use of creative accounting. We never for one second imagined that the money spent in Raigmore Hospital could be submitted as a legitimate economic impact of the Nobody Came Home Festival and as for the decision to link it to drugs sales at the Edinburgh International Festival and bead sales at the Mardi Gras in New Orleans – all we can say is we could have never have made our politicians swallow that one. All we could come up with was that the Homecoming Scotland Festival was responsible for the tax benefits which have emerged following the arrival of immigrants from Eastern Europe claiming to be Clan Chiefs and after that we got distracted by the adverse publicity surrounding the loss made at The Gathering in Edinburgh.”
The Nobody Came Home Festival has now qualified to represent the Highlands at the European Union Gravy Train Championships in 2010 which will be worth £600 a day to the Highlands in consultancy fees.
November 18, 2009
Reading bear has exposed Council logo on its fur
Highland Council’s recent scheme to give away wee blue bears to schoolchildren to encourage them to read more has backfired, with the news that the bears have been discovered to sport uncovered tattoos.
Parents have been told by worried officials that there could be offence caused by the words “Highland Council” emblazoned on the bears, and the toys should be thrown away instantly.
Council officials could not confirm rumours that the new teddy bear shop on Academy Street would soon be approached to ensure that the giant bear seen ambling around outside would be closely inspected for any potentially offensive uncovered markings.
November 18, 2009
Fixture at Grant Street “cannot be stopped” until deficit paid off
Administrators at struggling Highland League club Clachnocurrency have announced an innovative way to raise money – play a match that never ends.
Following on from the successful fundraiser against Celtic and the impending friendly against division 1 giants Inverness Caledonian Eighty Shilling, the club have announced a new benefit match – which will never end.
“The idea is a simple one,” said a spokesman for the struggling Merkinchers. “Benefit matches bring in cash, and we need cash – a lot of it. So why not play a match that never ends? It means that you can go to a Clach match any time of the day or night that you fancy and always be entertained.”
The spokesman explained that a number of clubs had been lined up for the tie, including every single junior and pub team in the country, although they were not yet desperate enough to invite the Scotland national team to play. Inverness shinty club, Highland rugby and cricket clubs, and the next eleven tourists to accidentally stray into Merkinch will also be recruited; while a team of Highland councillors have also agreed to provide opposition, kindly bringing lunch with them too.
Volunteers will, of course, be required by Clach to expand the squad such that it will be able to cope with the demands of a punishing playing schedule, and the club has informed anyone interested that there will be a payment of one pie per hour played for the Clach side.
A spokesman for the Clach Supporters’ Trust said “I’m lined up for a three hour stint next Wednesday morning, I think. I can’t wait to pull on the lilywhite top at last!”
The club spokesman told Inversnecky that with a fee of £10 per two hours of football, the deficit should be removed some time in 2013.
November 13, 2009
Clubbers asked to provide evidence of relationship
Ex-girlfriends throughout Inverness have welcomed news that a number of nightclubs are to introduce a ban on customers sporting tattoos of names of ex-girlfriends.
In an innovative move which will make people think twice before scarring their bodies with vain and impulsive gestures towards fleeting loves, the Highland Capital’s nightclubs have banded together to insist that any names tattooed on revellers’ arms must actually be up-to-date on the relationship front.
A spokesman for the nightclubs said “there’s nothing sadder than someone with a tattoo to an ex they were going out with for about three weeks eight years ago and that they thought they would always love. Yes, people love to love, but life’s a bitch sometimes.”
One woman contacted Inversnecky to declare that this was an excellent move. “My name is on at least three arms around town, and the more those guys can be barred from nightclubs, the more they’ll stop thinking it’s a cool thing to do and I can move on from unwelcome associations I now regret.”
A source close to Highland Council denied further reports that the licensing committee was also encouraging nightclubs to ban crap music, neds and thuggish door staff, saying such rumours were “unrealistic fantasy.”
November 8, 2009
Inverness being left behind by Aberdeen, say critics
The artistic community in the Highlands have reacted with fury at the lack of action by the Highland Council following the announcement that Aberdeen who cannot even afford a Hogmanay Party have launched a bid to be named UK City of Culture in 2013.
Local Artist Grant Consumer said ” It is very worrying to note that despite the success of the placement of yards of red wool over gravestones and the recent Nobody’s Coming Home Conference in Eden Court Theatre that the bloody Highland Council is not stepping forward to safeguard the Highland’s position as one of Europe’s most creative producers of requests for money from Quangos . There is absolutely no point whatsoever for every parasite in Scotland who can hold a paintbrush or arrange for vanity publishing relocating their family to the Black Isle if the Highland Council does not concentrate on ensuring that we are given the opportunities that our talents deserve to make a few quid.”
A spokesman at Hi-Arts Corporate Headquarters in Academy Street said ” Naturally the £82m that Liverpool lost when staging the Capital of Culture in 2008 should not prevent the Highland Council from doing its job now that they have finally got the Gum Buster working again and have the time to refocus on what they should be doing. We will send them an email before we settle down for our nap this afternoon”.
November 8, 2009
Highland Capital’s Hogmanany to be protected from Aberdonians
Inversnecky can reveal that the A96 is to be mined by troops stationed at Fort George at Hogmanay at the request of the organisers of the Inverness Winter Festival.
Older readers may remember that, when Inverness Canny Whistle were promoted to the Scottish Premier League due to a computer, Canny Whistle Stadium was considered to have too few seats facing the pitch for the team to play there and the team was forced to ground share with Aberdeen Oilers.
Earlier this week horrified Highland Council Officials discovered that during the drafting of the contract for that hurriedly arranged deal, those sneaky bastards to the east inserted a ” you will owe us a favour” clause in the small print and this week and this week the chickens came home to roost with a vengeance.
Aberdeen has played the poverty card, cancelled its Hogmanay Party and given Aberdumbians the option of trying to get arrested in Edinburgh, Glasgow or Inverness – or simply doing sod all at the Bells.
A spokesman for the Army said ” They had better be heading south that is all we are going to say. If they come west we are determined to use everything we have stolen from the Americans in Helman’s Mayonnaise Province to stop them from reaching Inverness. The last thing we want is hundreds of sex starved Aberdumbians wandering round Ardersier in the early hours of January 1st looking to abuse our boys. That is why we have officers.”
November 8, 2009
It Only Takes a Minute, Robbie and co are told
Inversnecky has learned that the recent, and not-very-secret wedding of Take That star Mark Owens at Cawdor Castle was the scene of some frantic lobbying by administrators for struggling Inverness football club Clachnocurrency.
Fighting to keep the Merkinch club solvent, representatives of the club were believed to have gatecrashed the biggest Highland wedding since Madonna’s, appealing for the rich Take That boys to relight Clach’s fire.
A spokesman confirmed that the approach had been made, saying, “I know that it was the greatest day for the happy couple, and once you’ve tasted love it’s just wonderful, but we still wanted to reach out to see if they’d invest. Everything changes in football so regularly, so we’ll have to wait some time for their response, but we’re keen to work with them so we’d wait for life. Football administration takes patience, after all, and they’ve not made any promises. Could it be magic? Who knows, but perhaps they’ll be back for good negotiations in due course.”
