CITY CAN BE SAVED, SAY EXPERTS

Inverness is not necessarily doomed, it seems

A historic highland town city destroyed by out of town retail parks, 1960s architectural rape, poor transport links, years of lack of investment and parochial local administration could be saved, according to independent experts.

After the burnt-out shell of what was once a proud and beautiful county town has been left festering amidst indecision and infighting for some years, commentators have now observed that Inverness does not need demolishing and rebuilding, and can indeed be saved.

The panel of experts revealed that after their study of the remains of Inverness, it was in a precarious state but not one that would be too dangerous to rectify.  A spokesman for the experts explained:

“Inverness can definitely be saved, as long as there is an end to out of town developments, a diversity in supermarket chains, reduced rates in the Old Town City Town to encourage independent retailers, a severe facelift on the Ramada and Crofters’ Commission buildings, relocation of the college, prison, courts and museum, increased facilities for our disenfranchised youth, a complete southern distributor bypass, improved rail links, a dualled A9, a dualled A96, improvements to the A82, better marketing of the region abroad, the protection of historic buildings, the protection of the riverside from ugly flood defences, ICT’s promotion back to the SPL, further enhancement of the firth and rivermouth, improved transport links between the centre and the suburbs, flyovers to improve the Kessock Bridge roundabout congestion, a city council, more liberal licensing laws, a university fit for the town city and the region, improved air links to Heathrow and other European hubs, a scrub-up of the Raining’s Stairs…”

Ed: we get the point.

 

HOMELESSINVERNESS

Our City Centre Correspondent Begging Garek reports

Representatives of the Highland Capital’s City Centre Homeless population have reacted furiously to the latest attempts by the organisers of this week’s Nobody’s Coming Home Conference to fill Eden Court Theatre.

Furious al-fresco sleepers have been repeatedly woken from their Carlsberg Comas as a result of unwanted free tickets for the non-event being thrust deep into their cardboard boxes with whispered promises of three days of comfort in a seat of their choosing.

Speaking from a newly refurbished box located behind his Highland Council provided individual support team team of translators, social workers, endangered minority re-engagement enhancers and Gaelic Tutors; Mr Unique Irvine formerly of Edinburgh said ” Every Re-imagined gold painted, urine splattered, red wool coated, vomit enhanced, Business Improved doorway in Inverness is being invaded by these ticket distributing fanatics.

“Last week it was the SNP trying to get me to go to their conference. No matter how many times I told them I just want to sleep, they would not take “Feck Off” for an answer. Now it has started again. I came north to the Highlands to get drunk, lie in a puddle of my own creation and see if I could not qualify for an EventScotland Grant that way. When that didn’t work I decided to keep myself to myself while trying to connect with my inner child and discover if we had been abused so we could qualify for benefits and a Council house that way. The Council says I need peace and quiet to do that but am I getting it? Am I hell. If I wanted to learn about Scotland’s contribution to the World I would go and sit in Raigmore Hospital on a Friday and Saturday night and watch the folk from the cardboard boxes in Baron Taylor Street having their stomachs pumped. I may be homeless and unable to close my trousers now the zip is rusty but I have my pride. I am not going and nobody can make me”.

Last night Homecoming Scotland announced that the Nobody’s Coming Home Conference was a sell out and had a waiting list of 47,000.

It is estimated that the economic impact of the Conference will pay for three of the Fireworks that were used on Kessock Bridge according to Consultancy Firm U2 Hampton who have secured a 10 year £600 a day “Family and Friends” consultancy contract from the Council to revise that estimate upwards.

 

ASDA STORE TO LAST SIX DAYS

“Re-imagining the centre” folk to be put in charge

News has reached Inversnecky that the Asda controversy is rumbling on to a new scandal – that once the new store opens, it will remain so for only six days.

The news follows the discovery that the team in charge of the “blink and you miss it” Re-imagining The Centre art campaign have been put in charge of the new store.

A spokesman for Highland Council Planning Department explained: “The Re-imagining people did such a good job, and the knitting really got everyone talking.  So we realised that, like the Highland 2007 Kessock Bridge Fireworks, the Pork, Cheese and Pie Shop, and Inverness’s SPL status, all the best things in the town city are very short-lived.”

Inversnecky understands that, based on this, HIE is now attempting to solve the disagreement between UHI and Inverness College over the siting of the new campus, by giving the new facilities one year in Beechwood and one year at Longman, and then abolishing the whole thing.

 

COUNCIL TO SUE NEW BUSINESSES

All potential inward investors to be taken to court, says authority

Companies looking to set up in or expand to the Highland Capital were this week heading for the hills, after being warned they’d have their asses sued.

The prospective new Asda store at Slackbuie is under threat following Highland Council’s assertion that the company needed to invest millions in a new roundabout, despite the lack of legal imperative to do so and the fact that the town city has been crying out for someone – anyone! – to break the Tesco monopoly.

Indeed, the local authority has threatened to sue Asda if they fail to invest in the roundabout, and has offered a similar threat to any other business impudent enough to wish to expand to or set up in Inverness but unwilling to pay millions to councillors.

A spokesman for Highland Council explained: “Asda had best fall into line quickly, as our crack team of lawyers will make dogfood of their puny legal resources, given they are nothing but a measly American-owned multinational corporation.  This legal action is definitely in the interests of the tesco, I mean town… sorry, city.”

 

ABRAMOVICH TO INVEST IN CLACH?

Russian oligarch visits Moray Firth

Rumours abound throughout the Highland Capital this week, with a yacht belonging to Chelsea FC owner Roman Abramovich being seen in the area.

Attracted by the new marina, and no doubt keen to see the new streetscaping upon its completion, suggestion and counter-suggestion has been flying around the Inversnecky bunker concerning whether the Russian billionnaire himself is on board, and secondly what really lies behind the visit.

Swift “no comment”s from the press office at Grant Park, however, suggest to us that there are secret discussions going on aboard the yacht that could see the oligarch invest in Inverness’s struggling Highland League side, Clachnacuddin.  The club’s spokesman could not confirm that the whole of the Man City team would soon be bought for the Lillypads, nor that an application for membership of the English Premiership was in the pipeline.

The Inversnecky editorial crew are awaiting our invitation to visit Mr A…

 

CITY FOOTBALL IN CRISIS

Struggles for ICT and Clach – what next?

Inversnecky notes with sadness the problems facing Inverness’s footballing giants this past week or so.

SPL First Division club Inverness Caledonian Thistle, the town city’s most controversial merger after the creation of Highland Council, recently struggled to beat lowly Montrose in the first round of the Alba Challenge Cup (a competition they forgot they were going to have to compete in); while Highland League side Clachnacuddin, steeped in debt, recently lost out on two potential investors.

With dark times ahead for football in the Highland Capital, reflecting the sombre mood of the national game, it could be down to junior side Inverness City to lift the spirits of Invernessians this season – if they can find a pitch to play on.

Rumours abound, however, that all three clubs are due to resign from their respective leagues and set up the Inverness Premier League (IPL), playing each other about ninety times a season.  An inside source told us: “Basically, it’s going to save us heaps on travelling, we can all groundshare, and once again Inverness will have three clubs to be proud of.”

A spokesman for Ross County denied they were involved in secret talks to be part of the project, saying the travel costs would be prohibitive for the Dingwall club.”

 

ASDA GETS GO AHEAD, AT LAST

Forces of evil suffer blow after government decision

Inverness is rejoicing today with street parties, bunting and uncharacteristic glee today, following the news that the town city is finally going to get an Asda store.

With a new supermarket in town, the first serious threat to The Evil Supermarket Company (Tesco) has appeared since the opening of the second Safeways.  Following a public enquiry’s recommendation that Tesco shouldn’t get away with every single retail penny in the Highland Capital, ministers have endorsed the outcome and given the liberating forces of Asda the go-ahead to take on the three-store strong forces of darkness.

Several zombified customers outside Tesco stores across Inverness told our reporters that they’d still shop at Tesco anyway, because the chain now had direct control of their oxygen supplies.

 

PAY £7 TO GET SWINE FLU!

Inverness Highland Games to have extra attractions

It’s just a day or so until the town city’s Highland Games kick off, amidst paranoia and fear sweeping Inverness now that swine flu has paid a deathly visit.

The games have been dogged by controversy this week, with debate about whether the traditional games or new attractions should take centre stage, but at this rate experts believe that nobody will turn up for fear of getting swine flu.

Rumours that swine flu was being billed as an attraction, allowing Invernessians to build up resistance to the disease by interacting at close quarters with fellow citizens, have been denied by organisers.

 

BATTLE OF THE CAMPUSES BEGINS

Invernessians dig in for a dull, endless debate about UHI flagship

Yet another protracted debate about planning and development in Inverness kicked off this week, with news that Inverness College is considering two options for its future estate; flying in the face of HIE, UHI, Highland Council, the people of Inverness and the Pop Idol judges who all believe that it’s Beechwood all the way, baby.

Local plans, glossy brochures and research strategies have begun development on the assumption that the college will relocate to Beechwood, as part of a showcase campus for the one-day University of the Highlands and Islands.  However, news has now emerged that high heidyins at the college are also contemplating staying in the concrete shithole it currently occupies on the Longman Industrial Estate.

“It comes down to a matter of culture and class,” Inversnecky’s insider mole explained, on guarantee of anonymity (ours, not theirs).  “On the one hand, Longman supporters in the college think that your average plumbing student will never go to the edge of town to study, while Beechwood advocates at UHI claim that wealthy, clean-cut undergrads from England would never contemplate studying on an industrial estate.”

Inversnecky fears a repeat of the yawn-worthy, never-ending sagas of the future of the sheriff courts, the location of the new museum, the streetscaping, and the dualling of the A9.

Could the town city be locked in yet another never-ending conflict, this time between Beechwoodites and Longmanites, in a battle that simply cannot be won?

To find out, stay tuned… for a very, very, very long time…

 

CASH-STRAPPED COUNCIL TO SCRAP MUSEUM

Budget blown on paving slabs

Highland Council has this week revealed that there are doubts over the future of the plans to create a new museum and art gallery for Inverness, as officials admitted they’d blown their entire year’s funds on paving slabs for the Old Town.

Despite being on the cards for years, and with feasibility studies and “get the courts out of the castle” campaigns, it seems the forthcoming replacement to the ugly concrete excuse of a museum next to the Town House has been ditched.

The change came as council officials admitted that after having inspected the coffers, they’d realised they’d blown the whole budget for the past few years on the Streetscaping project.

A council spokesman said “No worries though – at least the streetscaping can finish, and all those businesses who went bust can open up again.”

The spokesman could not comment on rumours that a construction worker involved in all the streetscaping work had just discovered he’d lost his wallet, but couldn’t remember which site it was dropped on…