Inversnecky

Late bids from Greek ferryman and Vulcan technologists dismissed by Highland Council in Southern Distributor vote

History was made this week in the lofty chambers of Highland Council as someone finally decided what to do about the Southern Distributor, Inverness’s long awaited bypass completion.

After months years of wrangling, the councillors finally voted for a bridge and tunnel combo, beating off two late submissions from a historic family-run Greek ferry company and an intergalactic team of communications technologists.

Charon’s Ships, something of a dark horse in the race, claimed thousands of years’ experience in the ferry industry, having had a virtual monopoly on transport of dead people across the river Acharon. Taking people to the dark, soulless, lifeless afterlife, argued the company’s spokesman, made them prime candidates for any transport that involved easing access to places like Dalneigh or Scorguie.

A team of engineers from Vulcan also appeared late on the scene, pointing out that their “logical” plan of teleportation would be cheap, easy and – at only 5% chance of molecular rearrangement – relatively safe.

Both plans were dismissed by councillors in favour of the tunnel and bridge across the river and canal. A spokesman for Highland Council said, “It was obvious we’d go for the tunnel and bridge. What else could best embody all the ups and downs the distributor debate has seen over the years?”

Highland Fire Festival Gets Off To Great Start

Inverness fire chiefs have declared the first two events in the Highland Fire Festival a great success.

The festival, one of the more novel contributions to Highland 2007, has seen the burning down of two major historic buildings in the city as a means of illuminating Inverness’s skyline and showcasing the talents, bravery and equipment of the Highlands and Islands Fire Brigade.

Hundreds turned out to witness the impromptu spectacles, although a grumpy Inverness councillor was heard to complain that they really should have chosen the museum and art gallery for the festival due to its extreme ugliness.

However a spokesman for Highland 2007 defended the choice of building and said he welcomed a “heated debate” on the issue.

Inverness pub starts trend of city businesses branching out southwards

Following the establishment of a London version of Hootananny by the owners of the popular Inverness pub and venue, Inversnecky can exclusively reveal plans by a number of businesses and services throughout the Highland Capital to follow suit, and set up branches in London, Edinburgh and many other parts of the UK.

For instance, the Phoenix Bar on Academy Street, which boasts the city’s only circular bar, is to export its unique style of Inverness pub by setting up licensed venues throughout the with a complete lack of atmosphere, décor or decent drinks.

Meanwhile the Scottish Courts Service has told Inversnecky it is in negotiations to take over Edinburgh Castle, close it down to tourists, and give the Royal Mile over for the exclusive use of teenagers in Vauxhall Novas.

Eden Court’s management are in on the act too. They have begun advising arts venues throughout the country on how to be late and over-budget in renovations (although Inversnecky has learned that this proposed consultancy tour is six months behind schedule). The theatre’s export of its “Highland way of doing things” is being generously sponsored by HIE.

Also, the owners of Merkinch’s infamous Nip Inn have declared their intention to establish branches in Edinburgh, Glasgow and London, and are rumoured to be speaking to the local constabularies to ensure that the inevitable increase in police activity will be provided for.

A spokesman for HIE declared the trend good news for the Highlands. “We’ve always thought that the Highland brand had market potential furth of the area. Soon, venues and businesses around Britain will be embracing the highland way of doing business – overpriced, sub-standard, and closed to the public for half the year.”