THE END OF INVERSNECKY

Our final, farewell post

It is our sad duty to inform you that Inversnecky will cease publishing as of today.  Like the Railway Club, Inverness Thistle or any hope of a completed southern distributor, all good things eventually come to an end.  And in Inversnecky‘s case, so do all mediocre things too, and so we say goodbye, feasgar math, and (to our Polish readers) piłki nożnej.

Over the past four and a bit years, we’ve enjoyed churning out the sharpest news to hit Inverness since the walls of Hootananny’s and producing the finest Polish phrasebook this side of Warsaw.  But there are only so many jokes that can be made about Tesco’s inevitable rise to shape-shifting, mind-controlling hegemony, or about the absurdity of Inverness’s midnight pub curfew, disastrous planning decisions, or inaccessible castle.  Where humour can still be extracted, we leave that task to any finer folk than us willing to take over the mantle from Inversnecky of being of Inverness’s least regular and worst informed news source.

Not that Inversnecky has been Inverness’s harshest critic: indeed, it is intended as a compliment to the Highland Capital that it has grown and developed over the years enough to be the butt of a few jokes.  Where the specific butts have taken it in good humour, they have our thanks; where not, our carefully-worded and glib statements of regret.

And in constructing those jokes, we thank a host of contributors over the years who have written side-splitting, insightful and hard-hitting articles about the absurdities of life in Inverness.  One or two of our volunteer contributors are surprisingly well-kent faces, others less so, but their anonymity remains assured.  For posterity this site will stay live, while in the interests of fairness and accountability the creator and editor of Inversnecky really ought to be unmasked.

Thank you to all those who have made Inversnecky what it is over the years – whether you’ve read, commented, contributed or just shared our articles.  May you be forever as happy as a paid-off HIE executive, as generous as the Clach defence, as passionate as an opponent of Gaelic roadsigns, and as eternally optimistic as the official at Sainsbury’s who’s responsible for planning permission submissions.

And above all, here’s to Inverness, Scotland’s finest town.

Sorry, city.

 

TOWN HOUSE ROOF STOLEN

Victorian Market traders deny responsibility

The Highland Council has issued an urgent appeal for umbrellas following the theft of the Town City Town House roof last night.

The theft is thought to have been organised in retaliation to the decision by the Highland Council to replace the 120 year old roof above the Victorian Market at the height of the “Let’s take a short cut through the Victorian Market and go to Eastgate” winter shopping season.

A Northern Plodstabulary spokesman said “I am not really sure if this theft is going to be solved. We have carried out extensive enquiries, but there is nothing on the CCTV as a result of the orders to film litter droppers or drunken lassies for “Police, Camera, Slapper”; and to be honest nobody has seen or heard or a damm thing.

“All we know is who didn’t do it because all the Victorian Market Traders were at a meeting in the Town House screaming that the roof work be postponed until January at the tops of their voices when we think the offence occurred.”

In unrelated news, the first Inverness BID Victorian Slate and Guttering Street Sculpture Festival starts tomorrow at 9am.

 

OUTDOOR SWIMMING POOL PLANNED FOR INVERNESS

Victorian Market to be given new purpose

Highland Council has celebrated offloading its crumbling leisure facilities to the Highland 2007 Legacy Company and saving £32 a year by announcing that the entire Victorian Market is to be turned into an outdoor swimming pool.

A Council spokeswomen said “Now that we don’t have to worry about all the shitty buildings that we should have repaired years ago, our highly paid team of managers have focused their attention towards the number one problem facing the Highland Capital; namely the creation of an iconic attraction that will divert the attention of our community away from the things we don’t want them to think about.

Clearly the removal of the roof above the Victorian Market and the launch of “FLOODWORLD” may be slightly upsetting for those families who think they might have elderly relatives still trapped in storm drains, but we would ask them to step back, minding the puddles as they go for health and safety reasons, and try to imagine the bigger picture. We need to find something for these managers to do all day.

While the creation of an underwater shopping experience may not seem like the best way to prevent the Victorian Market Traders from going bankrupt before Christmas to people; you only had to see the vibrancy of the Shortbread Tent by the VIP tent at the Barclays Scottish Golf Open Golf Tournament to realise the difference that a good Highland downpour lasting nineteen weeks can make to a shopping experience. We know that the people from Barclays were very impressed at the time; although to be fair their entire Senior Management Team hadn’t started developing Trench Foot infections at that point; and we haven’t been able to get an official comment from them for our 24 Hour Twitter Team. They haven’t been returning our calls you know.”

In unrelated news, the Board of the Highland 2007 Legacy Company have written to Inverness Town City Committee asking to have an urgent meeting with them regarding the submission of the biggest funding application the Inverness Common Good Fund has ever seen on October 8th. A Highland 2007 Legacy Company spokeswoman said ” Yes we know it will have only been 8 days but it is not our fault. They didn’t have a bloody meeting before then.”

 

COUNCIL UNVEILS NEW GUM-BUSTING FORCE

Human power to keep streets clean

Highland Council has launched an exciting new water powered initiative to tackle the City’s litter problem this week.

At a star studded gathering in Cubicle 3 of the Castle Wynd Bowel Bunker; it was announced that with effect from Mad Friday (the traditional high spot of the Office Christmas Party Period) every male toilet within 3 miles of the Town House steps is to be blown up; and citizens will to be urged to “Pressure their Prostates for Progress” as part of the “P-P-P Campaign”.

An excited Council spokeswoman said “We think we have taken the art of Sustainable Recycling to an All Time High and we are bound to win a Feminist award for this one! Can you imagine how many cigarette butts will be washed off the streets of Inverness in just one weekend if every potential rapist in the city did their bit to clean just 6 inches of Streetscape with their foul parts every time they needed to go?”

When informed that the idea was a load of shit because of the lack of provision for anyone wishing to launch or spray anything of a more solid nature; the spokeswoman said “Crap? Oh Crap! We didn’t think of that. We will get back to you after the City Committee meets”.

 

I-CON JOB

Highland Capital to be come even more famous

The much feared campaign to persuade local bankrupt business owners to continue to pour their pension funds into the coffers of Inverness BID was launched this week at a spectacular Business Breakfast featuring the finest room service leftovers that the Inverness Hotel Association has ever produced.

The 2011 Inverness Con campaign (“I-CON”) will feature the staging of not one but several i-conic events in order to ensure that Inverness finally becomes famous on the Black Isle and beyond.

A BID spokesman gushed “You just have to mention the likes of Chernobyl, Hiroshima or Hurricane Katrina, to know that there is a lot of publicity to be gained and a lot of public money to be made from hosting i-conic events”.

In unrelated news, an application has been made to the Inverness Common Good Fund for the purchase of substantial quantities of weapons grade uranium and the removal of unsightly flood defences along the banks of the River Ness.

 

COUNCIL AIMS FOR FLOOD RECORD

Builders to receive subsidies for building on flood plains

Flooding could become an even more regular occurrence in Inverness in the coming months, with the announcement from Highland Council that it is going to see if it can beat previous flood records.  Plans to encourage mass housing construction on some of the town city’s worst flood plains should see damage increase tenfold and lives being lost, and the council is insistent it would be “super cool” to see how bad it can get.

“This is great,” explained a spokesman for the authority.  “It’s like one of those simulation computer games where you can build up a society and then press the ‘smite’ button and watch everyone get washed away.  If we get as many houses built as cheaply as possible on all our identified flood plains, then just imagine the carnage when it properly rains – it’s going to be fantastic to watch.  Imagine the hits on the council’s YouTube channel!”

Those construction companies that haven’t gone bust in recent years are now being offered subsidies to throw up as many balsa wood shacks as they can physically manage, with source stating that thousands of jobs could be created.

The council explained it is also looking at trying to build as many houses as possible on the banks of the river Ness in the heart of the Highland Capital, enabling an even great impact come the next rainfall.

 

THIRTY MINUTES LESS DRINKING TIME ON TRAIN

Scottish Government announce faster routes to central belt

Bad news emerged this week for loud, cackling groups of middle-aged women and slightly creepy stale-smelling single men, as news emerged of plans to shorten journey times by rail between Inverness and the central belt and thus reduce the time available to consume alcohol at impossibly early hours of the morning.

In answer to a parliamentary question by Highland MSP David Stewart, the Scottish Government has revealed figures that show that 23% of binge-drinking in the Highlands occurs on pre-lunchtime trains en route to Glasgow and Edinburgh, and has therefore committed to reducing travel times in order to combat the problem.

A spokesman for the Scottish Government explained the rationale: “Imagine you’re on the ridiculously early train in the morning from Inverness and all you want to do is sleep, yet across the aisle is a bunch of women on a hen do or a girls’ shopping weekend away in the capital, and they’re downing red wine before their toothpaste is even dry; or there’s an unshaven mess of a man tucking into a six-pack of Export before the sun’s even risen.  This sort of antisocial behaviour must be stopped to save Scotland from a drink-fuelled decline.  The only way to do this, then, is to cut rail times.”

Inversnecky understands that a manufacturing consortium representing the majority of sales of cheap sparkling wine and Dutch lager is lobbying behind the scenes to ensure that High-Speed Rail never reaches the Highlands, in order to protect their vital market share.

A spokesman for ScotRail assured us that a statement would be with us soon and apologised for the delay, which was caused by waiting for an incoming statement to pass by.

 

INVERNESS PRISON PROFITABLE

Councillor’s new ward brings fresh ideas

Inverness Prison looks set to become the first profitable prison in the United Kingdom following the announcement that car loot sales are to be held in the prison exercise yard every Sunday morning with immediate effect.

The idea for the fundraising car loot sales is thought to be the idea of retired Councillor Benny Fitzfiddle who recently emerged triumphant from a 13 day interview at Inverness Sheriff’s Court with a golden handcuffs farewell from his friends at the Highland Council’s Fraud Investigations Section and a temporary contract thought to be worth £43,000 tax free for the position of fundraiser in residence.

Former Councillor Fitzfiddle has also announced that in addition to the families of prisoners being invited to bring their ill gotten gains to the Car Loot sales in order to raise funds for much needed improvements to the prison’s stock of slop out buckets; exciting plans are being developed for the Highlands Travelling Community to be invited to be his guests and park their caravans in the prison yard for a minimum of 6 days a week in exchange for cigarettes.

A Highland Council spokesperson said “A quote? No problem. While we are absolutely devastated to be losing such a well-respected member of our completely trustworthy team of elected … Hang on!… Councillor Benny Fitzfiddle did you say? Oh you sneaky bastards… Piss Off”.

 

IT’S A WASHOUT FOR NORTHERN MEETING PARK

Simple rain for simple minds

The future of community sing-alongs for special needs groups in the Highlands is in doubt today following the soaking of the intellectually challenged at Northern Meeting Park at the weekend.

A Highland Council spokeswoman said “Unfortunately, for the fifty second weekend in a row, the completely seasonal non-stop summer rains appear to have caught everybody by surprise. We are sorry that our attempt to entertain 6,000 of the Highland’s simplest of simple minds by inviting them to see the last remaining member of Big Country pretending to be a dead person in the rain has resulted in a pan-Highland head flu epidemic. We never imagined that declaring that this was a ”Summer in the City’ concert was asking for trouble and we can assure those home owners who are currently discovering that they have indoor swimming pools that we will never allow such provocative marketing to be used again until we are supplied with hard evidence that Rain Gods don’t actually exist.”

In unrelated news, Northern Constabulary have requested an urgent meeting with council officials to arrange for the town city’s curfew to be extend to include pharmacies following riots outside Superdrug on Monday shortly after the last packet of Lemsips was purchased.

 

IN THE MONEY

Corrupt councillor found to have all money in world

Inverness town city councillor Benny Fitzfiddle was today found guilty in Inverness Sheriff Court following the discovery of all the money in the world in his bank account.

A Northern Constabulary spokesman said “We were first alerted that something might be a bit suspicious about his 678 bank accounts and 544 building society accounts when the Greek Government got in touch to say that they had paid fifty four trillion euros for a table lamp sold at a car boot sale they had never attended in the Highland Council HQ Car Park in 2007. This was quickly followed up by a complaint from a distraught Icelandic Government official who found they had paid numerous invoices seeking substantial sums for Faith, Hope and Charity’s smear tests at Raigmore Hospital; and this was followed by a fax from the Government of Portugal who had discovered that they were skint because all their citizens had been paying their wages into Fitzfiddle’s bank account without his knowledge in order to avoid paying income tax”.

Councillor Fitzfiddle, who denied all the charges because he knows why ASDA are unable to get a store built within 200 miles of Inverness and thought that would offer him all the protection he needed, will be sentenced in due course.

In unrelated news, the fourth Tesco supermarket opens this weekend, but due to the suspension of phone hacking following the closure of the News of the World nobody has a clue why.