BY-PASS OPPORTUNITY MISSED, SAY CAMPAIGNERS

“Inversnow” should have led to ice buggies to complete link, Government told

Campaigners for the completion of the Inverness by-pass have condemned the Scottish Government for refusing to take the opportunities presented by the big freeze, known across the Inversnecky team as the Inversnow.

With the frozen river and canal, bodies pressing for the completion of the southern distributor had called on the government to ensure that people could transfer to skidoos in order to cross between the A9 and A82, but now that the thaw has come about the opportunity has been lost.

“It’s a tragedy,” one campaigner told Inversnecky.  “We need to look at a range of options, and if the government is going to rule out ice buggies, then what next – closing the railway line?”

Highland Council has moved to quash rumours that hovercrafts from Holm Mills will be used to provide a temporary solution to the ongoing problem of the by-pass.

 

RED HOT CHILLI PIPERS DISCOVERED AS SNOW MELTS

Archaeologists uncover myriad lost treasures as ice age ends

As the snow melts across Inverness, and citizens emerge blinking into the daylight, remembering what tarmac is and how people used to go about the town city freely, Inversnecky can reveal that the frozen remains of Hogmanay party headliners the Red Hot Chilli Pipers have been discovered at the Northern Meeting Park after the ten metres of snow lifted from the park.

In other news, countless lost individuals have been discovered trapped inside snowmen, while rumours abound that the old Railway Club remains have been identified amidst layers of sludge.  Unfortunately, it seems that Inverness’s 43 Tesco stores have survived the ice age.

Inversnecky is also investigating rumours that Clachnacuddin Ice Hockey Club is investigating the option of reverting to its original sport, football.

 

INVERNESS GOING SLIGHTLY MAD

Snow-bound Highland Capital enters 93rd month of isolation

The town city of Inverness and all its inhabitants is going slightly mad, according to the latest reports from around the area which have reached Inversnecky’s bunker.

As only the very oldest members of the community can even begin to recall legend of a time when there was no snow on the ground, it seems that being housebound constantly has slowly taken its toll on the citizens of the Highland Capital.

With the southbound railway still blocked by the ancient train remains, and roads in all four directions blocked by several kilometres of snow, streets are now abandoned and wild dogs fight over scraps at the long-abandoned supermarkets.

The Inversnecky team remains tucked away in its bunker, down to its last few free lunches…

 

END OF THE YEAR

Season’s greetings from Inversnecky!

After a year of bringing you the news with both barrels, Inversnecky would like to thank all both its readers and its legion contributors for all their love, care, attention and comments.

Due to the snow, we’re stuck in our bunker and are unable to get out until some time in the new year.  In the meantime, have a good Christmas – or in Polish, dóbrý michalkula!

 

OLD MAN TO VISIT INVERNESS

Appearance in front of other old people at stadium on the cards

An old man is due to visit Inverness in July 2010, it has been announced.  The old man, who has been old for some time since being famous for something or other, is due to visit the Highland Capital and appear at the Caledonian Stadium.

At the stadium, Inversnecky believes, the old man is likely to attempt to stand up in front of lots of other old people, the only folk left to remember what he was famous for.  Rumour has it the old man may attempt to sing if he has the energy.

A spokesman for the event said that old people planning on attending should wrap up warm, turn up their hearing aids, and bring a flask, as the Moray Firth can be a bit nippy at the height of summer.

 

ON A SWISS ROLL

Delight for council members

Senior quango and local authority officials in the Highlands are celebrating today following the announcement that weekly flights are being introduced from Dalcross Invernational to Zurich to enable them to visit their fortunes in their Swiss bank accounts.

The opening of the new route, which is allegedly sponsored by Zurich Municipal – who have the Council’s multi-million pound contract to ensure that nobody receives a penny for any harm caused by anything they do – is bad news for banks located in Inverness High Street who were hoping that the public sector millionaires would grow tired of driving down the A9 to Edinburgh in order to catch a connecting flight every time they needed to go to Tesco and do the weekly shop.

VisitScotlandForFeksSake have declared that the new flights will lead to a boom in Swiss tourism and have urged all B&B owners to sign up for their Spectrum Centre Yodelling Classes in order to ensure that they remain competitive,

A spokesman for the Armed Services Recruiting Office in Inverness told Inversnecky that the news had resulted in numerous applications to join the Swiss Guard, until the members of the Portland Club had discovered that this involved dressing up as Village People and protecting the Pope.

 

NOBODY CAME HOME FESTIVAL IN LEAD

Flagship event puts Highlands on map

Delight has erupted across the Highlands following the news that the region’s very own Nobody Came Home Festival has surged past of the entire Homecoming Scotland Festival in this year’s economic impact bullshit league table.
 
Despite having less events and lasting around around 44 weeks less that the Central Belt based Festival of which it was part, Consultancy Firm U2 Hampton has announced that the Eden Court black grass garden-based Festival was worth an estimated £900 million more than the Eventful Scotland initiative which was brilliantly timed to coincide with the fall of sterling against the euro organised by by the SNP.
 
Locally, the Culloden Cottage Hotel alone is claiming to have see a massive boost in its takings from tourists who came to Inverness 6 months before the conference in order to see where it was taking place. HIE have also announced that no fewer that 2007 businesses are thinking of relocating to the Highlands, Gaelic speaking has surged from 5% of the population to 99.9% of the population and that the legacy of the Kessock Bridge Fireworks could be seen in all its glory last Thursday when a dramatic increase in the stars in the sky above the Black Isle marked the arrival of God’s response to the beauty of the 12 minutes of top quality hype that will never be forgotten.
 
A Homecoming Scotland Spokeswomen said: “We should like to congratulate the entire Inverness Team on their brilliant use of creative accounting. We never for one second imagined that the money spent in Raigmore Hospital could be submitted as a legitimate economic impact of the Nobody Came Home Festival and as for the decision to link it to drugs sales at the Edinburgh International Festival and bead sales at the Mardi Gras in New Orleans – all we can say is we could have never have made our politicians swallow that one. All we could come up with was that the Homecoming Scotland Festival was responsible for the tax benefits which have emerged following the arrival of immigrants from Eastern Europe claiming to be Clan Chiefs and after that we got distracted by the adverse publicity surrounding the loss made at The Gathering in Edinburgh.”
 
The Nobody Came Home Festival has now qualified to represent the Highlands at the European Union Gravy Train Championships in 2010 which will be worth £600 a day to the Highlands in consultancy fees.

 

BEARS RECALLED OVER TATTOO CONCERN

Reading bear has exposed Council logo on its fur

Highland Council’s recent scheme to give away wee blue bears to schoolchildren to encourage them to read more has backfired, with the news that the bears have been discovered to sport uncovered tattoos.

Parents have been told by worried officials that there could be offence caused by the words “Highland Council” emblazoned on the bears, and the toys should be thrown away instantly.

Council officials could not confirm rumours that the new teddy bear shop on Academy Street would soon be approached to ensure that the giant bear seen ambling around outside would be closely inspected for any potentially offensive uncovered markings.

 

CLACH TO PLAY ENDLESS BENEFIT MATCH

Fixture at Grant Street “cannot be stopped” until deficit paid off

Administrators at struggling Highland League club Clachnocurrency have announced an innovative way to raise money – play a match that never ends.

Following on from the successful fundraiser against Celtic and the impending friendly against division 1 giants Inverness Caledonian Eighty Shilling, the club have announced a new benefit match – which will never end.

“The idea is a simple one,” said a spokesman for the struggling Merkinchers.  “Benefit matches bring in cash, and we need cash – a lot of it.  So why not play a match that never ends?  It means that you can go to a Clach match any time of the day or night that you fancy and always be entertained.”

The spokesman explained that a number of clubs had been lined up for the tie, including every single junior and pub team in the country, although they were not yet desperate enough to invite the Scotland national team to play.  Inverness shinty club, Highland rugby and cricket clubs, and the next eleven tourists to accidentally stray into Merkinch will also be recruited; while a team of Highland councillors have also agreed to provide opposition, kindly bringing lunch with them too.

Volunteers will, of course, be required by Clach to expand the squad such that it will be able to cope with the demands of a punishing playing schedule, and the club has informed anyone interested that there will be a payment of one pie per hour played for the Clach side.

A spokesman for the Clach Supporters’ Trust said “I’m lined up for a three hour stint next Wednesday morning, I think.  I can’t wait to pull on the lilywhite top at last!”

The club spokesman told Inversnecky that with a fee of £10 per two hours of football, the deficit should be removed some time in 2013.

 

TATTOO BAN WELCOMED BY EX-GIRLFRIENDS

Clubbers asked to provide evidence of relationship

Ex-girlfriends throughout Inverness have welcomed news that a number of nightclubs are to introduce a ban on customers sporting tattoos of names of ex-girlfriends.

In an innovative move which will make people think twice before scarring their bodies with vain and impulsive gestures towards fleeting loves, the Highland Capital’s nightclubs have banded together to insist that any names tattooed on revellers’ arms must actually be up-to-date on the relationship front.

A spokesman for the nightclubs said “there’s nothing sadder than someone with a tattoo to an ex they were going out with for about three weeks eight years ago and that they thought they would always love.  Yes, people love to love, but life’s a bitch sometimes.”

One woman contacted Inversnecky to declare that this was an excellent move.  “My name is on at least three arms around town, and the more those guys can be barred from nightclubs, the more they’ll stop thinking it’s a cool thing to do and I can move on from unwelcome associations I now regret.”

A source close to Highland Council denied further reports that the licensing committee was also encouraging nightclubs to ban crap music, neds and thuggish door staff, saying such rumours were “unrealistic fantasy.”