CASH-STRAPPED COUNCIL TO SCRAP MUSEUM

Budget blown on paving slabs

Highland Council has this week revealed that there are doubts over the future of the plans to create a new museum and art gallery for Inverness, as officials admitted they’d blown their entire year’s funds on paving slabs for the Old Town.

Despite being on the cards for years, and with feasibility studies and “get the courts out of the castle” campaigns, it seems the forthcoming replacement to the ugly concrete excuse of a museum next to the Town House has been ditched.

The change came as council officials admitted that after having inspected the coffers, they’d realised they’d blown the whole budget for the past few years on the Streetscaping project.

A council spokesman said “No worries though – at least the streetscaping can finish, and all those businesses who went bust can open up again.”

The spokesman could not comment on rumours that a construction worker involved in all the streetscaping work had just discovered he’d lost his wallet, but couldn’t remember which site it was dropped on…

 

BASQUE FEVER SWEEPS INVERNESS

…but exotic visitors to Highland Games are not what they seem

Inversnecky’s mole at Highland Council reports:

Hotels in Inverness are reporting that irate stag weekend organisers are threatening to turn the Highland Capital into a ghost town during next month’s Inverness Highland Games.

Approximately 65,000 beds are now available at reduced rates following widespread cancellations in the last 24 hours.  This follows the announcement by the Highland Council that their much heralded Highland Games Weekend Basque Spectacular had absolutely nothing to do with women’s sexy lingerie, and instead will feature men with funny hats dressed as sheep speaking a language more obscure than Gaelic.

A Council spokesperson said “We deeply regret any inconvenience caused to the large numbers of young men who were planning to head to Bught Park dressed as Nuns, Drag Queens, Schoolgirls, Prostitutes, Nurses, Police Women and Susan Boyles.”

The Police have set up roadblocks all around Inverness with the exception of the area around Kessock Bridge (which is always blocked anyway) but as a precaution they have asked the Council to consider cancelling any events unfortunate enough to have a name which could attract another wave of sick individuals to Inverness.

No information is available as to which events are under threat but Council staff have been reported frantically searching Google in an attempt to discover if the Kirking of the Council is likely to lead to an influx of men dressed as Klingons in September.

 

“INTERESTING” SMELL SUBSIDES AFTER ROCKNESS

Good weather, dope smells, and dirty Glaswegians all leave area after festival

Organisers of Dores’ biggest music festival have hailed last weekend’s RockNess a huge success, although reports have arisen stating that the smell of cannabis has only now wafted away from the railway station, and commuters in the Highland Capital are slowly coming back down to earth.

“Honestly, you couldn’t move around the station last weekend,” reported one member of station staff. “Not just due to the crowds of mucky, under-dressed teenagers from arse ends of Glasgow; but also you just, like, couldn’t be bothered, man! Life’s too short for anything except eating quavers and pies at 3am. However, the air’s cleared up and we all feel a lot better now.”

With the festival bringing the usual complaints from south Loch Ness locals, drugs arrests, and the obligatory death, life in the town city can now go back to normal. Until Belladrum, of course, which will mean the area preparing for the inevitable deluge of rain…

 

WAR OF THE SPORTS CLUBS

Inverness City passed from pillar to stump

Inverness City Football Club, it seems, has no friends these days, as the Highland Council desperately tries to find somewhere for the town city’s third-largest football club to play their games next season.

With Inverness Camanachd opposing the club playing at Bught Park, the home of shinty, and Inverness Cricket Club refusing to share at the Northern Meeting Park, solutions for the emerging new club are few and far between.

Inversnecky can, however, suggest that two further locations should be explored – a set of housing and a nursing home in Kingsmills, and a section of the retail park off Telford Street – both of which could razed and turned into football stadia….

…or would that just be a bit too outrageous?

 

INVERNESS ACTRESS TO BE DOCTOR’S ASSISTANT

Charles Kennedy now no longer the only famous Invernessian

News that a young woman from Inverness has been unveiled as the new assistant in the BBC drama Dr Who has led to much sighing of relief among town city leaders this week, due to the fact that up until now, Charles Kennedy was the most famous Invernessian.

With Karen Gillan shortly to commence work as the time-travelling Time Lord’s sidekick, people across the world will now be paying attention to the Highland Capital as somewhere that is famous for folk other than has-been politicians and ICT footballers.

“We’re delighted for Karen, and frankly ourselves,” said a spokesman for Highland Council.  “Now we can be proud of more than just Charlie Kennedy as a son or daughter of Inverness.  Who knows, if the ratings are good in the new series we might even replace Flora MacDonald’s statue in front of the castle with one of Karen.”

A spokesman for the Inverness tourist authorities, meanwhile, said, “Thank fuck for that.  At the moment, your top names to put Inverness on the map are the one-man band on the High Street, Tich McCooey, and an ousted former party leader.  With any luck, we’ll have Dr Who fans dressed as cybermen heading for the highlands in their droves to check out where she lived.”

Meanwhile the Time Lord himself could not be contacted despite our best efforts.

 

INVERNESS RELEGATED

City status revoked after slump in performances

After an underwhelming few months for Inverness, the Highland Capital’s city status has been revoked.

Following Icy Tea’s relegation from the top flight of Scottish football, the endless streetscaping and the failure of major developments such as the distributor completion, national authorities have removed the status of “city” from Inverness, reverting it to being a town.

A cloud of despair descended upon the town city town after Saturday’s final showdown, and the move comes in the light of the continuing decline of what has now become just the Capital of the Eastern Highlands.

The exodus of most of our Eastern European migrant workers, the continuing poor development of the economy, closure of numerous businesses and the complete inability to buy a coffee after 6pm has been now added to the fact that Inverness is no longer an SPL town.

Citizens are now called to assemble outside the Town House this Saturday at noon in order to witness the building being replaced by a portakabin.

The only silver lining to the situation is that now that Caledonian 80 Shilling Thistle are in the first division, Invernessians can now look forward to easy trips to Dingwall for the Highland derby…

 

PARKS PROJECT TO INVEST £2.5m IN VANDALS

Refurbishments to attract renewed interest from petty criminals

Highland Council this week announced a plan to provide two and a half million pounds-worth of vandalism opportunities in Inverness’s major parks.

The plans, which include refurbishments, new facilities and quainter lighting, will see just a few days of improvements in key town city locations such as the Ness Islands and Whin Park before mindless criminals are allowed to move in and destroy or steal it.

A spokesman for the council said “In the long run, it should actually cut down on crime in the area – just imagine if a bunch of louts getting drunk on the Ness Islands, or a guy wandering across the Bught Park looking for mushrooms, could be distracted from their activities by a new bench to set fire to, or some new decoration to rip down.  Anything that keeps people from drink or drugs has to be a good thing.”

VisitScotland has even announced figures which predict an increase in vandals visiting the area over the tourist season, as a result of the improved opportunities.

 

NHS PREPARES FOR OUTBREAK OF GAELIC

Threat of bilingual signs in hospitals puts Inverness on alert

Rumours that NHS Highland is receiving money from Bord Na Gaidhlig to develop its Gaelic plan by introducing bilingual signage has led to mass panic among patients, the community and those involved in the healthcare sphere, after fears that the medical system could haemorrhage as a result of diverted funds.

The risk, according to many, is that Gaelic might spread from person to person after having appeared in a few isolated cases, and before you all know it, we’re all sozzled with whisky and registering ourselves for the Mod, and doctors are left with no money for equipment or medicines.  Fears have been expressed that dozens could die, or – even worse – begin to develop working understandings of the dative case and slenderisation.

Raigmore Hospital, Inverness’s biggest hospital, is believed to be under particular threat by the outbreak of bilingualism.  A town city emergency plan is being developed by key agencies, while a number of councillors are demanding assurances that authorities are fully prepared.  NHS24 has already reported a huge increase in calls from the Highland Capital from concerned residents seeking advice on what to do if friends, colleagues or family members begin to show symptoms of speaking Gaelic.

A spokesman for NHS Highland assured Inversnecky that the situation was in hand.  “We are aware of some people’s concerns about the threat Gaelic poses to their sense of wellbeing, however we are very much on top of the situation.  Contingency plans are in place to contain Gaelic within certain uses around health service facilities, and we will do everything we can to ensure that the language does not take up our entire healthcare budget.  Frontline services will remain unaffected.”

One old man we spoke to on Church Street remained concerned, however.  “What happens if I call up NHS24 and they can’t understand English?  How will I be able to read the opening hours signs on my local surgery if it’s all in Gaelic?  It’s terrible, and people will start dying before we know it.”

 

CITY OF STRAW

Property firms’ collapse takes centuries off construction techniques

News that a property developer that has worked in the area and a highlands construction firm have both gone bust has led to a crisis in the Inverness property boom.

With an inexplicable lack of builders now in the fastest growing town city in the known universe, prospective home-owners are now resorting to medieval construction techniques, including straw, mud and stone.

Developers of the new town at Tornagrain have admitted that the plans have been modified to make the houses from cardboard found drifting throuh the centre of Inverness.

 

INVERNESS AWAKENS

Inversnecky’s guide to Inverness in the summer-time

At bloody last, summer (of a fashion) has arrived in Inverness, and with it, the start of the Easter holidays and the beginning of the tourist season.

The Highland Capital is now resplendent with life and sunshine, and to commemorate this once-in-a-year event, Inversnecky is proud to bring any passing visitors to the town city our guide to the top sights of Inverness worth taking in:

1. The Castle.  No you can’t go in.  No it’s not that old.  Yes it’s pink.
2. Riverside views.  This time next year, work might have begun on the flood defences, so enjoy the view of the river while you can.
3. Scotland’s finest and largest collection of roadworks, streetscaping and other engineering detritus.
4. More barbers and hairdressers per square mile than any other conurbation in the northern hemisphere.
5. Albert Roux’s brand new restaurant: no doubt top notch cuisine, but will they be able to use the apostrophe correctly on their menus and provide half-decent service, unlike most other eateries in town?
6. A statue with magical, brain-capturing properties that attracts Goths and Emos to its steps.

Readers are invited to contribute their own favourite features of Inverness, using the comments box below…